Thursday, 20 March 2014

From the people who brought you FLOORS.


That's right, Ladies and Gentlemen! Roll up, roll up, to use STEPS here, the hot new craze in ascension that's sweeping the nation! Other houses in this street may make you clamber up muddy slopes to the door, or employ circus strongmen to lift you up to the porch... but not here! Here you can use STEPS! STEPS - eight levels of pure adrenaline!

Please keep your hands on the bannister at all times whilst using STEPS. STEPS not recommended for pregnant women or those with weak hearts. You must be as tall as this sign to use STEPS. STEPS may go down as well as up. 

35 comments:

Miss Pear said...

How very uplifting!

(Yes, yes, I'm in the Corner of Shame now...)

Sharon Huls said...

I laughed out loud, rather hard. Oh man.

Also, thanks for your card. Made my day!

pygar said...

@ Miss Pear - no more of that please otherwise further steps will be taken

Kaitebon said...

Personally, I think this should be accompanied by a diet of some kind.

Savanna said...

Hahaha oh this is terrific. Your humor always brightens my day (:

Anonymous said...

but what if you don't want to use the steps... I find this sign very commanding...

Anonymous said...

I blame the last Sunday Papers with Kevin. All that racy talk about different altitudes ...

Millicent Hart said...

This is brilliant! It really brightened up my day.

Ms. Lahtidah said...
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Ms. Lahtidah said...
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Carla said...

As titillating as those steps are (and you make them even more exuberant than that sign, really you do); I think I'd choose strongmen to lift me to the porch.

I mean, if they are employed, they'd probably feel terrible if you chose the steps over them. I don't want to hurt a strongman's feelings, do you?

(And now there's another silly thing to be added to my 'Overly Silly Things Bucket List'. Thanks, John. ;P <3)

Enzyme said...

God, I'm loving the living hell out of those leaded lights...

/missingthepoint blog

sonjabi said...

"Verwenden Sie hier die Stufen" seems quite fun in every language :)

Anonymous said...

Can't wait til I'm tall enough to try these! (Thanks John for the good cheer :)

Horsa said...

Brightened my day no end! Awaiting Zurich-then how long after it airs until there's a contestant on "Mastermind" with CP as their chosen specialist subject?
Enjoyed your "Private Passions" too. This comment will be utterly meaningless to non Radio 3 listeners but you know what I mean. Keep on making us laugh and hope there's a return appearance on ISIHAC in the pipeline-you're a natural at Mornington Crescent!

Samantha said...

It's just a note to the folks at the Beeb about which musical track to accompany this property on next week's Homes Under the Hammer.

afailedjournalist said...

Tell me when those Steps become wheelchair accessible, and then I'll be impressed! :p

Anonymous said...

John, just heard you on Feedback and well done etc. but blimey! Are they really holding Zurich back till December? This is awful. I really don't think I can cope for 9 months. RC

Jane Russ said...

Oh that is so unfair - December!
Having got our juices going by advertising that tickets were available (although we knew we wouldn't get any) and now, insult to injury, December and therefore no time for a re-broadcast before the year is out.
I shall be writing to them upstairs or even Feedback in the highest of dudgeons and that's pretty high!!
You are a marvel Mr. F, please don't stop doing what you do, you do it so very well.

Maz said...

With this, I have now read the entirety of this blog.

I am unsure if I should celebrate, or send for help.

Anonymous said...

Yup, we're ready for a TV Souvenir Programme or sitcom whenever you are. RC

Phil said...

Steos were invented on Ascension Island in the last century.

Regrettably, they did not invent descendible steps, and so on Ascension Island everyone lives at the top of a hill.

That was until they discovered the slide...

Chris Emerson said...

It's like they've got FLOORS, and taken them up a level - amazing!

Anonymous said...

Do I get an option of colours, or... :)

Anonymous said...

Do I get an option of colours, or... :)

kurostar said...

What will they come up with next? Moving steps?? Oh what a world!

Graham said...

For anybody who doesn't know what Horsa and Anonymous were referring to above:

John was on the 14 March 2014 edition of 'Private Passions' on BBC Radio 3, speaking about his life and his favourite music. An abbreviated version of that programme (missing most of the actual music) can be downloaded as a podcast here:
http://downloads.bbc.co.uk/podcasts/radio3/r3pp/r3pp_20140309-1130a.mp3

John was also on the 21 March 2014 edition of the 'Feedback' programme on BBC Radio 4, being interviewed about his reasons for discontinuing Cabin Pressure. That programme can be downloaded as a podcast here:
http://downloads.bbc.co.uk/podcasts/radio4/feedback/feedback_20140321-1700a.mp3
(The Cabin Pressure stuff starts at 20'37').

Graham again said...

I'm amused by the way Michael Berkeley pronounces 'downloading' in the introduction to that Private Passions podcast.
It's as if he'd just discovered the word stuck to the sole of his shoe.

Julian D. said...

John, I saw this and thought immediately of Cabin Pressure...

http://www.funnyjunk.com/funny_pictures/3709527/Kulula+Airways+long+but+worth+it/

Moony said...

I wonder if STEPS can reach the clouds? Might use them to help mortal reach my Cuckooland. :)

(I'm going to go there to continue laughing my hyena howl now).

Anonymous said...

Hi John,
I'd really like to get in touch but don't have any current contact details for you, hence this public plea... I don't want to post my email here, but if you fancied catching up you could drop me a line via my work email at the University of Southampton and I'll reply properly. I realise it's been a while!
Catherine (Clarke)

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